Wednesday, November 5, 2008

In the end

In the end, all the fear mongering and hatred didn’t matter.
In the end, the lies were proven to be untrue.
In the end, we wanted to be one people, the United States of America.

Because in the end we had hope,
we had the promise of change,
and we had the prospect of a better tomorrow.

We believed.
and that’s what mattered
in the end.

I feel this is appropriate today:

Monday, October 27, 2008

Not so funny games

Last night we watched this movie, which is by far the most fucked up, most disturbing movie I have seen in quite some time.

I am not going to go into great detail about it, mostly because when I woke up at 5:30 this morning I couldn’t get back to sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about the movie. However, the two demented guys both looked very familiar, and upon looking at their Wikipedia pages I now know that I recognize one of them for being on Dawson’s Creek for awhile, and that I have never seen the other one except in this twisted, twisted movie.

It was a little slow in places and about there were about thirty minutes’ worth of scenes toward the end that could have been condensed into about five or ten minutes to help speed things along, but the movie was well-made, and terrifying – I was in suspense from the minute the movie started, right up until the end. I am also basically terrified of all strangers now, so thank you, Michael Haneke, for writing this. How do you come up with this stuff, anyway? From now on, I am only watching movies that have rainbows and cotton candy and happiness in them.

Monday, October 20, 2008

A memo

To the lady driving in front of me at approximately 4:35 p.m.:

This afternoon, while attempting to merge onto southbound Highway 100 from Excelsior Boulevard, you ever-so-kindly would not move your ass, but with traffic whizzing past me at 70 miles per hour I was unable to get around you. This almost caused a series of accidents which I was fortunately able to avoid, but believe it or not, narrowly avoiding your own death does not do much to improve one's already shitty mood.

You were seemingly oblivious to the what was going on, and when I was finally able to get around you I saw the reason for this: the book you were reading was far more interesting than paying attention to your surroundings, which happened to be rapidly moving, extremely heavy pieces of metal that had the potential to turn your little green Grand Am (traveling at a rate of approximately 40 miles per hour) into your casket.

I'm sorry that I screamed the F bomb in your general direction many times, and that I called you a "dumb f-ing c-word." It was just a c-word kind of day, and also, that's what you are if you choose to put lives in danger by reading a book while traveling down the road.

There is a song from Sesame Street called "Put Down the Ducky." Today, I vote that they change the lyrics to "Put Down the Booky (and Pay Attention to the Road)."

Happy to be alive,

Friday, October 10, 2008

Long time, no write

Wow, this ol’ blog is getting a little dusty! I didn’t realize it had been so long, and apparently nothing (good, bad or otherwise) has happened since September 3rd (the day I saw Rage Against the Machine). To summarize the past month, I have been:

Working. I hate my job, but what are you going to do? In this shitty economy, I’m happy to have a job. The healthcare organization at which I am employed sent out an e‑mail to employees last week saying things here are in tip-top shape, so this must mean that people are going to be getting laid off soon. But for now, I am gainfully employed, so I can at least be thankful for that.

Watching TV. I realize this makes me sound like a sloth, but goodness, I love fall TV season. The Office has been perfection so far and so has Family Guy, which are really the only two TV shows currently airing that I make any effort to watch, so maybe I haven’t been spending as much time in front of the boob tube as previously thought. Of course, with it being October, there’s baseball to be watched (I’m rooting for a Dodgers-Red Sox Series, with the Red Sox to win it all) and I have to cheer on the Hawkeyes, even when we can’t convert from 4th-and-1 and blow what should have been a very winnable game against Michigan State. (I will not comment on the previous week’s loss to Northwestern, since I didn’t actually see the game.)

Doing my civic duty and registering to vote. I filled out the form, printed it off and mailed it a few weeks ago, so when I received an envelope from the Minnesota Secretary of State I naturally believed it would be my voter registration card. Wrong-o. Turns out I had filled in the current date in the date of birth field. You may be thinking, ‘H, you shouldn’t even be allowed to vote, dumbass!’ In my defense, the field read: “Date of Birth (NOT TODAY’S DATE).” This is confusing. I fixed my error and mailed it off again yesterday, and am keeping my fingers crossed that something else ridiculous didn’t happen. Like, I’m thinking about it now and am slightly panicked that What if I didn’t actually fix it? I have to stop thinking about this now or I am going to lose my mind.

Other random things I am thinking of right now:

A woman from work to whom I only occasionally talk to on the phone and whom I have never met called me “honey” on the phone this morning. This freaks me out. I do not like being called “honey” “sweetie” or anything along those lines by anyone other than my boyfriend or family members.

I stopped watching Project Runway after the third episode but got suckered into a mini-marathon last weekend, where I caught last week’s episode – the last before the designers went off to create collections for fashion week – and discovered that Kenley is a scary, crazy bitch and the other three designers still annoyed the crap out of me. A friend caught me up to speed with this week’s episode so I will likely pump her for details after the finale so I don’t have to watch it myself.

There are two conservative radio hosts here in the Twin Cities who have been kicking around the idea that Magic Johnson has been faking AIDS. These douchebags should be shot.

It’s finally Friday – hallelujah.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Rage Against the Machine - a post in pictures

Rage takes the stage


Tom Morello is a god


No explanation necessary

The end of "Killing in the Name"

Rage Against the Machine

Words? There are none.

But I'll try to find some anyway.

The atmosphere inside - and outside - the Target Center last night was incredible. Riding the light rail downtown, it seemed (except for the huge, permanent grin on my face and random squeals of excitement) like any other night.

Getting off the light rail at the Nicollet Mall station was normal, as was walking down the mall. People sipping beers on bar patios, savoring the year's last moments of patio drinking weather; people in suits, shouting into cell phones; people walking, ear buds securely in place. Walking up Sixth Street after a quick dinner at Chipotle, there were the first clues that it was not business as usual. People with red badges hanging from their necks. "Welcome Wisconsin Delegation!" read a huge banner at the Marriott.

And then, at Sixth Street and First Avenue. The crowd of people waiting to enter the Target Center was no different from any other event evening. The hordes of police officers? A bit out of the ordinary.

Not just cops - these were cops in full-on riot gear. Gas masks. Jumpsuits. Three-foot wooden poles - not your average nightstick.

The opening act was Anti-Flag, a band hailing from Pittsburgh. Though I couldn't understand a lot of what I was hearing, I'm pretty sure I agreed with most of it. The overriding theme was: Fuck the war. Definitely not a statement I disagree with.

Between Anti-Flag and Rage, the arena really started to fill up and people in the lower level began their quest to jump down onto the floor, with varying degrees of success. One guy got caught by security but managed to pull away and got lost in the crowd. One guy got caught by security and taken down to the floor. One guy jumped down, ran past security and then, once safely in the throngs of people on the floor, took his yellow shirt off, revealing a black shirt he had on underneath. Clever. And it wasn't the first costume change we'd see.

Rage Against the Machine finally came out wearing Guantanamo jumpsuits and hoods. A strong statement, and a powerful one. As the crew handed equipment to them (or in the case of drummer Brad Wilk, led him to his drums) they proceeded to play "Bombtrack" while still wearing the hoods.

The show was intense from start to finish, going from one song to the next with little or no talking. Aside from "We're Rage Against the Machine, from Los Angeles" after the opening song - as if they needed an introduction - Zack didn't speak again until just before the final song of the main set, "Wake Up."

Bulls On Parade
People Of The Sun
Know Your Enemy
Bullet In The Head
Katrina song
Born Of A Broken Man
Guerrilla Radio
Ashes In The Fall
Calm Like A Bomb
Sleep Now In The Fire
Wake Up

Township Rebellion
Killing In The Name

Zack encouraged everyone to show more discipline than the cops, who were "just looking for shit." As we filed out of the arena and onto the concourse, people were still screaming. But once outside the Target center, with hundreds of officers ready for riot, it was eerily quiet.

Hands down, without a doubt, the best concert I've ever seen. It was everything I expected it to be, everything I hoped it would be, and much, much more.

Will there be better shows in the future? It's possible. But this one's going to be damn hard to top.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Monday randoms

Every Monday should be a holiday. So should every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. That would days for work. I think I could learn to deal with that.

If Tom Morello was playing a show on Harriet Island tonight (performing as the Nightwatchman, a show I, sadly, did not attend) and Rage doesn't play until Wednesday, doesn't that mean he'll just be hanging out for the next couple days? Doesn't that mean there's a chance I could run into him at, like, Target or Subway or something? I'm just saying. My odds of randomly meeting Tom Morello are way better this week than they have ever been or probably will ever be.

I finally got around to watching Casino Royale tonight - holy awesome. I'm a big James Bond fan (thanks Dad!) and had my doubts about Daniel Craig as 007, but I was more than pleasantly surprised and can't wait for Quantum of Solace.

Rage Against the Machine this Wednesday at the Target Center. There are no words to describe my excitement.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Workin' girl

In a meeting notice I received for an event I am scheduled to attend this week, the organizer asked that attendees "please try to arrive promptly." Now, I guess I can't speak for everyone else, but I am willing to bet that the majority of people in the workforce always try to arrive promptly. They do not wake up in the morning and say, "I think I am going to be purposefully late for work today" or "I think I will be fashionably late for the important merger meeting tomorrow." I, for one, certainly always try to be on time for work; the fact that I am sometimes tardy is always related to some unforeseen circumstance - an accident on the freeway, perhaps, or errant eyebrow hairs that need to be plucked immediately - and not an intentional effort on my part to not be on time.

These things seem sort of obvious to me; that if someone says something starts at a certain time, they are expected to arrive promptly, especially in the working world. Just like when you receive an e-mail, the natural response is to read it. So when one sees an e-mail with the subject "PLEASE READ" in all caps, the natural reaction is "Duh." When one receives a voicemail to "please read the [aforementioned] e-mail I sent you" the natural reaction is to bang one's head against his or her desk and plot career change.

Micromanagement at its finest.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Ten things I hate about you (and by you, I mean me)

Ten Things I Hate About You (and by you, I mean me)

#1 There are certain movies I will watch repeatedly, in their entirety, every time they are shown on TV. They include but are not limited to:

Stepmom (and I still cry at the end, every time, even though I know what’s coming and even though I freaking hate Julia Roberts)
How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days
50 First Dates
Save the Last Dance
Sweet Home Alabama
Cruel Intentions
Jersey Girl

One time last year, when I was snowed in for the weekend, TBS did the thing where they show a movie three nights in a row. That movie was Sweet Home Alabama and I watched it all three times. I once watched The Breakfast Club twice in one day because Comedy Central aired it multiple times. I used to fall asleep watching Big Daddy every single night. I don’t know how I do this, I just do.

#2 I love ramen noodles. I eat them more than any self-respecting, twentysomething, non-student woman with a “big girl job” should. They are cheap, they are easy to prepare, and they taste delicious. Beef is my favorite flavor.

#3 When I am home during the day, which is rare, I still like to catch up with the action on CBS daytime, a habit I have mostly weaned myself from. It is comforting to know that things in Genoa City never really change. These days, I often have to e-mail my mom and ask what such-and-such character from Guiding Light is doing on The Bold and the Beautiful, and she always does her best to catch me up on what’s happened in the past year since I last watched my soaps.

#4 The bottom shelf of my fridge is currently completely occupied with beer from the housewarming party I was to have that didn’t happen. On the shelf above that there’s a twelve-pack and in the freezer is a bucket of frozen margaritas with enough to make 16. My old roommate, Jody, and I always joked that there was more booze in our fridge than food. This was sometimes true, but never more so than it is right now. Thirsty? Come on over!

#5 I am obsessed with the show Bunnytown on the Disney Channel. It is hilarious, and I love the underwear bunny, and the bunny rock band, and the morning after I got my new TV I purposely got up early so I could watch Bunnytown in 32-inch, LCD, digital glory.

#6 The first CD I ever bought was Jewel’s Pieces of You. For that reason, I still have it and cannot bear to part with it. It has survived many rounds of CDs being sold to the used CD store, yet I have not listened to it in at least ten years and probably wouldn’t be able to stand it if I did.

#7 I’m starting to like mayo. Mayonnaise always used to be up there on the list of completely disgusting condiments that I would not put anywhere near anything I was about to consume (other offenders include mustard of any variety and sour cream) but I am slowly warming to it. It started when I repeatedly forgot to ask Wendy’s not to put it on my sandwiches; I started to like it on BLTs; and I went so far as to put it on a turkey sandwich at Subway a few weeks ago, just to see what it tasted like, and it wasn't bad. I’m not go so far as to keep a container in my fridge, but I no longer avoid it like the plague.

#8 I have the tendency to check and recheck and check my alarm clock again, just to make sure it is set and set for the correct time and set for a.m. and not p.m. Sometimes I will do this ten or fifteen times before I go to bed – not always all at once, but still a little OCD, don’t you think?

#9 I am addicted to reading Perez Hilton. I heard a lot about the guy but never gave his blog much thought until my old roommate started constantly mentioning him when we were discussing celebrity gossip. I finally added the subscription to my Google Reader a few weeks ago and now can’t imagine life without it.

#10 I hate most women’s sports, but I have totally gotten sucked into Olympic women’s beach volleyball. Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh are awesome, and they don’t annoy the crap out of me like most other female athletes, and quite honestly they are more fun to watch than the men’s beach volleyball team. I also used to not really enjoy watching volleyball very much, but they have created in me a newfound appreciation for the sport, and I will be proud to watch them defend their gold medal tonight. Go USA!

An expensive lesson, learned

Things I am excited about today:

¨ My new (used) dining room table – I’m still getting used to it, but I like it, though I can’t decide whether I should leave it like it is or turn it horizontally
¨ Season three, disc three of Weeds
¨ RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE at the Target Center in 14 DAYS!
¨ Having to replace my hard drive

Wait, that last one is something I am NOT excited about. That’s right. Yes, the news is sad but true; my trusty laptop, Phoebe, had a bit of a brain fart Monday and never recovered, subsequently undergoing a lengthy and nail bitingly intense hard drive transplant. There was a bit of a glitch at the start and some panic that Phoebe was going to reject her newly transplanted organ, but the problem was soon remedied and she was on her way to a slow but steady recovery.

So now I have a hard drive twice the size of the one I have before, and it’s all squeaky clean and empty, and a hard drive with data I cannot retrieve that I, um, never backed up.

All my photos. Gone.

All my music files – thousands and thousands of them. Gone.

Lesson learned.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Olympic Update 2

The British national women's swimming director is named Michael Scott.

P.S. The Office returns September 25th. What will happen to Jim and Pam? What about Michael and the new HR director and Jan and the baby? What about the fact that the new Toby has been made to believe that Kevin is mentally challenged? Oooh, I can't wait.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Olympic Update

I just realized that I have been so wrapped up in the Olympics that I forgot to watch Project Runway last night. And I realized I don't give a rat's ass.

For years I’ve been looking at Michael Phelps and wondering, “Who does he remind me of?” Then Perez Hilton said it yesterday: KEVYN AUCOIN. Of course!

I am really looking forward to the women’s gymnastics all-around competition tonight. I’ll be cheering for Shawn Johnson and for Nastia Luikin, though not quite as much. Hopefully these girls can right the wrongs of Monday night and bring the USA some much-needed gymnastics gold. While I’m on the subject, Marta Karolyi can try to place the blame for the U.S. women’s team meltdown on gymnastics officials all she wants (she claims they played “mind games” with Alicia Sacramone) but the fact of the matter is, Sacramone lost her focus and fucked up gold for the rest of the team. She fell off the beam and fell on her ass during her floor routine, something I don’t recall ever seeing before. That little skankazoid ruined it, not the Olympic officials or the ten-year-old Chinese gymnasts.

The other night I watched a segment with Mary What’s-her-face – you know, the freakishly tall, mannish-sounding, mannish-looking woman who has no real purpose being in Beijing covering the Olympics for NBC? Whose job is not even really to cover the Olympics but to show the quirks and lifestyle of Beijing to the poor saps (you and me) who had to stay home? Anyway, the segment I got sucked into was called “Panda Babymaking.” It was just like it sounds – it was about pandas making babies. Then I saw her pretend to eat a bamboo biscuit. That’s the other thing that bothers me about her – all the pretending to eat food, but not actually eating any of it. It was cute the first time, but I’m tired of the shtick, especially during the segment where all she did was “eat” gross food like cow stomach and duck feet. It got old really fast, Mary. I know you think it was really funny to pretend to eat the fried scorpion and then bring it back to Bob Costas, but it wasn’t. It was really stupid. Bob Costas thought it was really stupid, too. He might have played along with your little game, but inside he was thinking, “Who the fuck invited her?” Next time they should get Anthony Bourdain or Andrew Zimmern, or someone from Survivor - someone who would actually eat the gross food. Or maybe they should just get someone funnier.

Best name ever: Rowdy Gaines. I always forget about Rowdy until Olympic time rolls around. What does Rowdy do when he’s not covering the Olympics? Does he just go into hibernation for four years? According to my best friend Wikipedia, in addition to being a swimming analyst for ESPN and NBC (something that brings him work exactly every four years) he is the chief fundraiser for USA Swimming and also endorses an indoor swimming pool contraption that is advertised on television. Whatever it is, if Rowdy endorses it, I want it. Bill says if we ever have children I am not allowed to name one of them “Rowdy.” This is obviously disappointing, but I’m going to keep working on it.

On a totally unrelated note, today I saw a woman wearing jodhpurs. When's the last time you saw someone wearing jodhpurs? I mean, outside of the stable?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The H Soundtrack

A meme of sorts - coming up with the songs to fill out the soundtrack of my life. I had a very tough time with this and spent way too much time working on it, but I'm pretty satisfied with the results!

Opening Credits: “A-Punk” – Vampire Weekend

Waking Up: “Sleeping Lessons” – The Shins

Average Day:“Alive” – Pearl Jam

First Date: “Once Around the Block” – Badly Drawn Boy

Falling In Love: “The Nearness of You” – Norah Jones

Love Scene: “Sexual Healing” – Ben Harper

Fight Scene:“Know Your Enemy” – Rage Against the Machine (this was by far the easiest choice. Hands down, no contest, no song even came close to touching this.)

Breaking Up: “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright” – Bob Dylan

Getting Back Together: “Mystery” – Indigo Girls

Secret Love: “Layla” – Derek and the Dominoes (has there been a better unrequited love song written in the entire history of music? I think not)

Life’s Okay: “Life by the Drop” – Stevie Ray Vaughn

Mental Breakdown: “Let Go” – Frou Frou

Driving: “Keep the Car Running” – Arcade Fire

Learning a Lesson: "Learning to Fly" - Tom Petty

Deep Thought: “Bowl of Oranges” – Bright Eyes

Flashback: “Pictures of You” – the Cure

Partying: “Outta Control (Remix)” – 50 Cent

Happy Dance: “Friday Night at the Drive-In Bingo” – Jens Lekman

Regretting: “Both Sides Now” – Joni Mitchell

Long Night Alone: “Only Living Boy in New York” – Simon and Garfunkel

Death Scene: “Funeral For a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding” - Elton John (close runners up were “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” by Death Cab for Cutie, “Your Long Journey” by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss and “Grace” or “Hallelujah” by Jeff Buckley)

Closing Credits: “The Underdog” – Spoon

Monday, July 28, 2008

You'll be malachite with envy of my intellect

Today I spent some time doing the Isaac Asimov Super Quiz. I am always really good at these, and by always I mean never except when the topic is “Pop Culture” or “Celebrities.” I am also really good at ones involving parts of the human body, especially medical terminology. This should comfort anyone I work with who thinks I may be mentally disabled. This may still be true, but please note that sometimes radiologists ask me how to spell medical words. Just saying.

Anyway, today I did especially badly at the Isaac Asimov Super Quiz. Sadly, the category I did the worst at was “Literature.” I consider myself to be a decently-read individual and have always loved reading. Also, I watch Jeopardy! a lot. So I probably should have known the narrator’s name in Lolita, even though I never read the book, and also, I should probably read the book. And I should have been able to remember the name of the main character in The Great Gatsby. It is Jay. Instead, when I came to that question the only thing I could think of was the episode of King of Queens where Doug asked Carrie if she had found out how the Great Gatsby became a magician, because what the hell else could he be? Note to self: Unplug TV. Plug in time machine and repeat 10th – 12th grades and read all the pieces of literature you were assigned to but never did.

I also sucked at the history quiz, which is interesting because I like history. The first question asked which president was assassinated in 1901. If you’re wondering, it was William McKinley. I thought Lincoln and JFK were the only presidents to be assassinated, so maybe I should repeat the sixth through twelfth grades.

Oddly enough, I did the best at the science quiz. Science is not exactly my forte and I often find myself asking questions about how things work that apparently are really obvious to anyone else over the age of ten. Lucky for me, a few of the questions were about medical terminology and I made a lucky guess on a question about what color malachite is – it’s green. It’s a good thing it didn’t ask what malachite is, because I still don’t know. So from now on, anything I see that is green I will refer to as “malachite” just to be on the safe side.

The one question I missed on the science quiz was What kind of “tables” were invented by John Napier? I went out on a limb here and came up with multiplication tables, and then was quite proud of myself because that must be right! What other kind of “tables” are there? I forgot about the well-known logarithm tables, so of course I was wrong. And, since we’re being honest, I’m going to tell you I don’t know what a logarithm is, but I do know I’ve heard the word before, probably when I had to e-mail my mom to ask how to find percentages. Yes, I am that helpless and stupid that I have to call my mommy to tell me how to do one of the most simple math procedures. On second thought, I should probably just repeat all of school from first grade on.

Mom, Dad, sorry the public school system failed me. Or, that I failed it.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Project Runway Episode 2 Recap

I was concerned at the beginning of the episode because I couldn't remember anyone's names - except, of course, for Blayne, Stella, and Suede. As we got rolling I started to remember people, but I also started to remember that I was not really thrilled with any of these designers.

The challenge was making cocktail dresses for the models. "Very original," I thought. In fact, in my notes I wrote, Making a cocktail dress for a model! How exciting and original! Blah. Only if they're making cocktail dresses out of used condoms. But there was a Project Runway twist - the designers would have to use "green" fabrics, and the models would be doing the shopping.

As you would expect, the models were totally clueless about fabric shopping. You would think women who wear clothes for a living would have an idea, at least, of how much fabric to buy. Or what fabrics make good cocktail dresses. Or what colors look good together. Three models bought the same hideous brown satin (we will come back to this). When they got back to Parsons - surprise! - all the designers hated all the fabrics.

Stella's model wanted something flowy and sophisticated - something Rami would have designed last season. Stella has her own style, which she calls "very urban" (read: terrifying). She decided to design something in her own style. This, I thought, was a recipe for disaster. She would say later in the episode that she just wants to sew leather. If that's the case, why go on Project Runway, crazy leather sewer? Start a show called Project Leather. I don't care, just get freaking eliminated already.

Blayne referred to Heidi Klum as Darth Vader and said she was "Darthalicious."

Leanne called Suede out for talking in the third person: "Suede likes to talk in the third person. Leanne likes Suede, but Suede needs to stop talking in the third person." America's thoughts exactly, Leanne.

I loved Terri's dress. Her model came out second and I thought for sure she was going to win. I also loved Jennifer's, Kenley's and - this was a shock - Blayne's. The others were kind of blah for me, except for Suede's, which I thought belonged on a cracked out ballerina. In the weirdest twist of runway events for me, Suede's cracked out ballerina dress ended up winning, even though Kenley's super gorgeous, super elegant, couture cocktail dress clearly deserved to win and be sold on and praised by Natalie Portman. I am still upset about this. Then Suede said, "Suede fucking rocked this," or something along those lines, and then H threw her TV out the window.

None of the brown satin dresses fared very well. Leanne has ADD and made about five dresses in one, and Joe's was boring - I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it because really, there is not a lot to love about ugly brown satin. The boring Wesley with his very ill-fitting brown satin dress got sent home, and the crying Kortu got to stay. I hope Kortu is not this season's Ricky (aka The Crier). We don't need a crier, especially since my Project Runway buddy is now pregnant and we can't play the Crying Game, where you drink every time Ricky, or in this case Kortu, cries.

Next week they're going on a field trip wearing rain ponchos.

I am warming to some of the designers' aesthetics, especially Kenley's, but not really loving anyone's personalities. I am still holding out hope that this will change.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


Today when I went to lunch I had a missed call and a voicemail from my dad. The missed call came at 10:49 a.m. which I thought was odd, since my dad knows I work 7:30 to 4 and my dad – and everyone else who has my phone number – knows I am even less likely to answer my cell phone when I am at work than I am the rest of the time. And I am not good at answering my phone during non-work hours. It’s not that I can’t find it or that I forget to turn the ringer up, it’s just that I hate talking to anyone on the phone who isn’t my boyfriend. Feel free to leave a voicemail if you want, but I probably won’t listen to it for 6.5 months. If you need me, text me. That’s how I roll.

Anyway, I listened to my dad’s voicemail, and he said, “Oh, I didn’t mean to call you. I was trying to call [farm equipment dealership, whose name is my first name] and I didn’t look close enough in my phone to see who I was calling.” It was not even 11 a.m. and he was working so he couldn’t even be drunk. Really it was an honest mistake, but I just thought it was funny. Hopefully he got more pens for me. Not because I really need them because I still have about 25 he sent me a few months ago, but because I like having them on hand so when people need to borrow a pen I can hand them one and say, “Better not try to steal it, I’ll know it’s mine!” Trust me, it’s really funny the first time.

The one where I love being a girl

Dear girlfriends I may have ever made fun of for having cramps,

All I have to say is: Karma is a bitch. I know this because she’s being a bitch in my uterus right now. Remember when we were in high school and you girls would stay home sick when you had bad cramps and I said, “That is total bullshit” because I never got cramps and just thought you were faking so you could stay home and watch soaps? Yeah – turns out you weren’t. I am a newbie to the cramp thing – they only started within the past three years or so – and am clearly paying for the things I said in the days I was fortunate enough not to get them. So to all the ladies I thought were making shit up, I apologize. I sympathize. Now can we go back to the good old days? Not the ones where we tight-rolled our jeans and crimped our hair (please God, never again) but the ones where I didn’t get cramps? Thank you.

Dear uterus,

I get it. You are teaching me a lesson. Lesson learned. Enough with the cramps already.

Sunday, July 20, 2008


At any American golf tournament, the very instant a player's putter makes contact with the ball there is some asshole (or multiple assholes) yelling "GET IN THE HOLE!" At any British tournament, it's dead silent until the putt either goes in or stops rolling, when the crowd either cheers or lets out a collective sigh.

I much prefer the polite Brits to the American golf crowd.

Friday, July 18, 2008

A day in the life

I'm off work today, just for the heck of it. And I've apparently missed blogging so much that I've decided to live blog my day. Yes, you heard right. I am live blogging my day off. I am that awesome.

Refresh often, read from the bottom up and enjoy!

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11:42 p.m. CDT - The cats are telling me it's time to go to bed, and I agree. Hope you enjoyed this live blogging experience!

11:30 p.m. CDT - I wonder if David Sedaris ever gets tired of reading his own stories aloud. I bet I would. I wonder when someone is going to ask me to go on a Live Blog Tour and have me read my blog posts aloud in front of adoring audiences.

11:15 p.m. CDT - I love this commercial:

11:04 p.m. CDT - Looks like Rosie Perez has had some work down. She still irritates the shit out of me. I am going to forget she is in Pineapple Express and still be excited to see it.

10:59 p.m. CDT - I was thinking about going to bed, but David Sedaris is going to be on Letterman - yay!

10:26 p.m. CDT - Still pissed about my phone.

10:00 p.m. CDT - I'm tempted to watch Bridget Jones' Diary again. Love that Mr. Darcy.

9:47 p.m. CDT - Still pissed off about my stupid phone.

9:28 p.m. CDT - Just dropped my phone and the bottom set of buttons now won't go back in. Awesome. And by awesome, I mean exactly the opposite.

8:28 p.m. CDT - Oh, sure NOW Bravo starts pushing Project Runway. They just informed me that Natalie Portman is going to be the guest judge on the next episode. Damn it, Bravo! You know I don't like to know these things before the show!

8:01 p.m. CDT - I love Bridget Jones' Diary. Why is it that this is the only movie in which I have ever liked Renee Zellweger? I think I like "fat" Renee. Emaciated Renee seems a little too full of herself. Gosh, I love Colin Firth. No, I still will not see Mamma Mia.

7:46 p.m. CDT - I may have picked the most boring day ever to live blog. Right now I'm playing Word Twist/watching the Twins game/listening to music. I might play Solitaire and maybe watch a movie. Rockin' Friday night.

7:07 p.m. CDT - The first really productive thing I've done all day: a long overdue post for Three Pints.

5:59 p.m. CDT - Just played my flute (for the first time in about six months) until my mouth started to hurt (about five minutes). Note to self: Don't make any plans to audition with the Minnesota Orchestra.

5:41 p.m. CDT - Doh! Mom got a bingo in a different game - 67 points for "tootsies."

5:38 p.m. CDT - B-I-N-G-O! Scored 67 points for "ransacks" in a Scrabulous game with my mom.

5:28 p.m. CDT - Broke down and got Applebee's carside to go, and now kind of feel like taking another nap.

Dear person whose car died in the left lane of a very busy street during rush hour,

Believe me, I know how much it sucks to have your car die in the middle of the road. Believe me. However, there is a thing called common human courtesy and it states that if your car dies, turn your hazard lights on. PLEASE. That way I know you're in distress and not just an idiot who doesn't know how to drive. I hope you can forgive me for yelling at you and calling you a "dumb effing R-word" and an "asstard" among other things I do not recall at this time. I hope you get your car fixed and it costs you less than $1,000. But next time, put on the double blinkers.

Thank you,

4:34 p.m. CDT - Ventured outside to get the mail. Got my pay stub, the 2008-2009 brochure for a theatre I've never heard of, and the new issue of Vogue. Kate Moss looks gorgeous on the cover, but I'm still not renewing my subscription. For real this time.

4:27 p.m. CDT - Seriously, the idea of Meryl Streep in sequined dresses, dancing around and singing really freaks me out. Pierce Brosnan can't make me want to see this movie. Even Colin Firth can't make me want to see this movie.

4:12 p.m. CDT - Having eaten lunch just after 11, I am starting to get hungry again, but realize if I eat now, I will be wanting another meal in about three hours. Dilemma.

3:55 p.m. CDT - Scrabulous, I was so close to getting a bingo, but you would have to give me an "I" I couldn't use, wouldn't you?

3:44 p.m. CDT - Can anyone identify my mystery plant? It is now more than six feet tall, has reached the top of my screen door and is threatening to keep me in my house forever, then eat me.

3:37 p.m. CDT - Shaun of the Dead is on. To think, I was going to turn on Dr. Phil.

3:30 p.m. CDT - If I were working today, I would still be there for another half hour.

3:28 p.m. CDT - In case you're wondering, Jason Sobel didn't answer my question today (it was lame). K.J. Choi is leading the Open Championship with a one-stroke lead over...Greg Norman. Greg "I Married Chris Evert" Norman. Greg "I Didn't Even Practice For This Tournament" Norman. Pretty exciting stuff, if you ask me.

3:27 p.m. CDT - So I slept a bit longer than 89 minutes. Sue me.

12:44 p.m. CDT - Just popped Office Space into the DVD player and am going to take a little nap. See you in 89 minutes!

12:15 p.m. CDT - If I was at work right now, my day would be only a little more than half over.

12:02 p.m. CDT - Well, my car safely made it the 3.3 miles from my friendly local mechanic's to my house, so I am going to officially say that today has been a success. With my tummy now full of Wisconsin mac and cheese, I am ready to tackle the tasks of the afternoon.

11:02 a.m. CDT - We're getting ready to leave to go have lunch at Noodles & Co. and pick up my car and the boyfriend says, "So, you wanna drive?" Ha.

10:50 a.m. CDT - So far, this has been the least productive day ever. Except for this blog post, which I'm sure is riveting millions as I type.

10:38 a.m. CDT - What is Matt Lauer doing on Will and Grace? Actually, I think this was the live episode, which might have been the stupidest idea ever. I'm switching to Gilmore Girls.

9:52 a.m. CDT - Just got the message that my car is done. I'm excited to have my car back, but not so excited to pay for it. Maybe I should leave it there over the weekend to teach it a lesson.

9:26 a.m. CDT - No, it looks terrible.

9:20 a.m. CDT - I take it back, Pierce Brosnan. Ow ow.

9:15 a.m. CDT - Am I the only one who thinks Mamma Mia looks terrible?

9:01 a.m. CDT - Regis and Kelly have a segment called Grilling With the Stars, and today's guests are Mario Lopez (that's A.C. Slater to you) and his mom. Kelly's dress is hideous and does anyone else think it's weird that she and Regis came out holding hands?

8:48 a.m. CDT - Jason Sobel is doing a little live blogging of his own over at ESPN, covering the Open Championship. I just sent him an e-mail, so I hope I make it in!

8:36 a.m. CDT - Have any pressing questions you need answered? Feel free to e-mail me at

8:25 a.m. CDT - Attempts to go back to sleep were unsuccessful, so it's time to Find Out What's On Morning Daytime Television.

Muriel's Wedding is on Bravo! What a find on just the third channel I surfed. It's toward the end, though, so I'm going to keep on keepin' on.

On America's Test Kitchen they're making chicken skillet dinners. Boring much? I could probably even make those, and I'm domestically challenged.

Good Morning America is having a dog show on the red carpet.

So, I just found Divorce Court, and it's a special week - Divorce Idol Week. RuPaul's fat sister is on the stand dressed as Anna Nicole Smith and she apparently wants to be a famous rap star. I can't understand from watching this testimony why this man would want to divorce her! Oddly, he seems sane.

There's square dancing on public access. Too bad the boyfriend is still asleep and the cats don't seem interested in dancing.

I have finally settled on Zoboomafoo on the public television kids' channel. Come on, it's a cute show! And I love penguins. I want one to come hang out at my house today.

8:10 a.m. CDT - I'm going back to bed.

8:02 a.m. CDT - Rudely awakened by my ringing cell phone. Recognize the number as the mechanic's, so I answer. Turns out when the timing belt broke, it messed with some things it shouldn't have and in order to get my car running right I need to have a couple other things replaced. For $267.08. In addition to the already hefty total for fixing the timing belt. Bringing the grand total for the whole project to damn near what my paycheck is going to be today. Fantastic.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Project Runway Episode 1 Recap

Perez Hilton speculates that Bravo purposely didn’t market season five as a big F You to those responsible for the series’ jump to Lifetime – and Los Angeles – for season six. But I still managed to hear about it, find out that they moved it to 8 p.m. Wednesdays (much better for an early-to-bed gal such as myself) and in spite of last night’s car trauma, make it home for the start of the episode.

Having not had the impending season shoved down my throat for the past X number of weeks, I knew nothing going in about any of the contestants. Not a one. And as they were introduced to us, I didn’t immediately like any of them. The same thing happened to me last season and I ended up positively falling in love with Chris March, but there was no Santino (perhaps my favorite all-time favorite PR contestant), no Daniel Vosovic, no Michael Knight. In fact, I immediately disliked almost everyone, especially:

Blayne. Oh my God. I was so hoping that he would be kicked off last night, but alas, he’s sticking around. Remember how Christian Siriano said “that’s fierce” all the time, and how much it irritated people? Blayne says things are “_____licious” a hundred times more. Also, his model looked like she was wearing a diaper.

Stella. Holy scary, Batman. And did she really expect the judges to be impressed with her garbage bag dress? Didn't we already see that on Tilda Swinton at the Oscars?

And what is up with the guy with a blue Mohawk who calls himself Suede?

Anyway, last night they recreated the first ever Project Runway challenge, where the contestants had to create an outfit using only materials purchased from a Gristedes grocery store. And they brought Austin Scarlett - first ever PR challenge winner with a dress made entirely of corn husks - back as a guest judge! Yay Austin. He is fabulous.

I felt most of the designs were uninspired and uncreative - checkered tablecloth dress? Really? Shower curtain rain jacket? Groundbreaking. By the end of the episode I had kind of fallen in like with Daniel and his blue plastic cup dress, and I was disappointed that Kelli - who reminds me of last season's Kit, but annoying - won, even though I liked the bottom part of her dress.

I’m still not entirely hooked on this season, which makes me a little sad. Perhaps what's really sad is that I have invested so much in a television show over the past four seasons. But I didn’t see anything last night that really impressed me, whereas I had fallen in love with Santino by the end of episode one of season two, Uli, Michael and Kayne in season three and Rami, Chris and Christian in season four. Hopefully as the dead weight gets eliminated (please let that dead weight be Stella and Blayne, stat) this season’s contestants will start to grow on me as well.

Car-ma chameleon

Yesterday, Hannita discovered that her car had been stolen. Is that not the most terribly sucky thing? She is now a statistic in street crime, a testament to the awful truth that there are real assholes out there doing real asshole things all the time just for the hell of it.

My story is not nearly as sad, but it is true. I left happy hour last night, hopped in my car and headed for home. I had made it about two blocks and was turning a corner when my car died. This is not an uncommon occurrence; my car periodically dies while idling or while turning corners, and normally I just throw it in neutral, start it back up, put it back in drive and move on. But when it died yesterday, it died. There was no restarting it, and I had it towed to my friendly local mechanic, silently cursing myself for never signing up for AAA.

I got a call bright and early this morning from the mechanic, who had already diagnosed my problem: timing belt. I thanked him for the speedy response and told him to fix it (to the tune of not cheap, but could have been worse) and then pondered the great irony that is my life.

I am no stranger to timing belt issues. Two years ago, while driving to my home state for a friend’s wedding, my timing belt went out. Let me tell you there is nothing more awesome than sitting on the side of the interstate for three hours waiting for someone to rescue you and drive you the mere thirty minutes left to your destination. I had the timing belt fixed by my home mechanic only to have it go out again, thanks to a slack job, two weeks later (hence the story of how I came to know my friendly local mechanic). When my car died that second time, I was at a certain busy intersection where I drive quite frequently.

My car died last night just across the street at the same intersection.

I am never driving there again.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Miss me, Internet?

As it turns out, I missed blogging way too much. Sure, there was (and still is) Three Pints, but I missed writing about nothing. I missed putting down completely unfocused musings and publishing them for the entire world to read.

You may know me as the author of the now-defunct Random Mindless Ramblings. While I'm sure I will still not be discussing the keys to world peace or curing cancer, I wanted a fresh start. Thus, a fresh blog.

I am now an Anonymous Blogaholic.

I'm back.