Olympic Update

I just realized that I have been so wrapped up in the Olympics that I forgot to watch Project Runway last night. And I realized I don't give a rat's ass.

For years I’ve been looking at Michael Phelps and wondering, “Who does he remind me of?” Then Perez Hilton said it yesterday: KEVYN AUCOIN. Of course!

I am really looking forward to the women’s gymnastics all-around competition tonight. I’ll be cheering for Shawn Johnson and for Nastia Luikin, though not quite as much. Hopefully these girls can right the wrongs of Monday night and bring the USA some much-needed gymnastics gold. While I’m on the subject, Marta Karolyi can try to place the blame for the U.S. women’s team meltdown on gymnastics officials all she wants (she claims they played “mind games” with Alicia Sacramone) but the fact of the matter is, Sacramone lost her focus and fucked up gold for the rest of the team. She fell off the beam and fell on her ass during her floor routine, something I don’t recall ever seeing before. That little skankazoid ruined it, not the Olympic officials or the ten-year-old Chinese gymnasts.

The other night I watched a segment with Mary What’s-her-face – you know, the freakishly tall, mannish-sounding, mannish-looking woman who has no real purpose being in Beijing covering the Olympics for NBC? Whose job is not even really to cover the Olympics but to show the quirks and lifestyle of Beijing to the poor saps (you and me) who had to stay home? Anyway, the segment I got sucked into was called “Panda Babymaking.” It was just like it sounds – it was about pandas making babies. Then I saw her pretend to eat a bamboo biscuit. That’s the other thing that bothers me about her – all the pretending to eat food, but not actually eating any of it. It was cute the first time, but I’m tired of the shtick, especially during the segment where all she did was “eat” gross food like cow stomach and duck feet. It got old really fast, Mary. I know you think it was really funny to pretend to eat the fried scorpion and then bring it back to Bob Costas, but it wasn’t. It was really stupid. Bob Costas thought it was really stupid, too. He might have played along with your little game, but inside he was thinking, “Who the fuck invited her?” Next time they should get Anthony Bourdain or Andrew Zimmern, or someone from Survivor - someone who would actually eat the gross food. Or maybe they should just get someone funnier.

Best name ever: Rowdy Gaines. I always forget about Rowdy until Olympic time rolls around. What does Rowdy do when he’s not covering the Olympics? Does he just go into hibernation for four years? According to my best friend Wikipedia, in addition to being a swimming analyst for ESPN and NBC (something that brings him work exactly every four years) he is the chief fundraiser for USA Swimming and also endorses an indoor swimming pool contraption that is advertised on television. Whatever it is, if Rowdy endorses it, I want it. Bill says if we ever have children I am not allowed to name one of them “Rowdy.” This is obviously disappointing, but I’m going to keep working on it.


On a totally unrelated note, today I saw a woman wearing jodhpurs. When's the last time you saw someone wearing jodhpurs? I mean, outside of the stable?