Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The H Soundtrack

A meme of sorts - coming up with the songs to fill out the soundtrack of my life. I had a very tough time with this and spent way too much time working on it, but I'm pretty satisfied with the results!

Opening Credits: “A-Punk” – Vampire Weekend

Waking Up: “Sleeping Lessons” – The Shins

Average Day:“Alive” – Pearl Jam

First Date: “Once Around the Block” – Badly Drawn Boy

Falling In Love: “The Nearness of You” – Norah Jones

Love Scene: “Sexual Healing” – Ben Harper

Fight Scene:“Know Your Enemy” – Rage Against the Machine (this was by far the easiest choice. Hands down, no contest, no song even came close to touching this.)

Breaking Up: “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright” – Bob Dylan

Getting Back Together: “Mystery” – Indigo Girls

Secret Love: “Layla” – Derek and the Dominoes (has there been a better unrequited love song written in the entire history of music? I think not)

Life’s Okay: “Life by the Drop” – Stevie Ray Vaughn

Mental Breakdown: “Let Go” – Frou Frou

Driving: “Keep the Car Running” – Arcade Fire

Learning a Lesson: "Learning to Fly" - Tom Petty

Deep Thought: “Bowl of Oranges” – Bright Eyes

Flashback: “Pictures of You” – the Cure

Partying: “Outta Control (Remix)” – 50 Cent

Happy Dance: “Friday Night at the Drive-In Bingo” – Jens Lekman

Regretting: “Both Sides Now” – Joni Mitchell

Long Night Alone: “Only Living Boy in New York” – Simon and Garfunkel

Death Scene: “Funeral For a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding” - Elton John (close runners up were “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” by Death Cab for Cutie, “Your Long Journey” by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss and “Grace” or “Hallelujah” by Jeff Buckley)

Closing Credits: “The Underdog” – Spoon

Monday, July 28, 2008

You'll be malachite with envy of my intellect

Today I spent some time doing the Isaac Asimov Super Quiz. I am always really good at these, and by always I mean never except when the topic is “Pop Culture” or “Celebrities.” I am also really good at ones involving parts of the human body, especially medical terminology. This should comfort anyone I work with who thinks I may be mentally disabled. This may still be true, but please note that sometimes radiologists ask me how to spell medical words. Just saying.

Anyway, today I did especially badly at the Isaac Asimov Super Quiz. Sadly, the category I did the worst at was “Literature.” I consider myself to be a decently-read individual and have always loved reading. Also, I watch Jeopardy! a lot. So I probably should have known the narrator’s name in Lolita, even though I never read the book, and also, I should probably read the book. And I should have been able to remember the name of the main character in The Great Gatsby. It is Jay. Instead, when I came to that question the only thing I could think of was the episode of King of Queens where Doug asked Carrie if she had found out how the Great Gatsby became a magician, because what the hell else could he be? Note to self: Unplug TV. Plug in time machine and repeat 10th – 12th grades and read all the pieces of literature you were assigned to but never did.

I also sucked at the history quiz, which is interesting because I like history. The first question asked which president was assassinated in 1901. If you’re wondering, it was William McKinley. I thought Lincoln and JFK were the only presidents to be assassinated, so maybe I should repeat the sixth through twelfth grades.

Oddly enough, I did the best at the science quiz. Science is not exactly my forte and I often find myself asking questions about how things work that apparently are really obvious to anyone else over the age of ten. Lucky for me, a few of the questions were about medical terminology and I made a lucky guess on a question about what color malachite is – it’s green. It’s a good thing it didn’t ask what malachite is, because I still don’t know. So from now on, anything I see that is green I will refer to as “malachite” just to be on the safe side.

The one question I missed on the science quiz was What kind of “tables” were invented by John Napier? I went out on a limb here and came up with multiplication tables, and then was quite proud of myself because that must be right! What other kind of “tables” are there? I forgot about the well-known logarithm tables, so of course I was wrong. And, since we’re being honest, I’m going to tell you I don’t know what a logarithm is, but I do know I’ve heard the word before, probably when I had to e-mail my mom to ask how to find percentages. Yes, I am that helpless and stupid that I have to call my mommy to tell me how to do one of the most simple math procedures. On second thought, I should probably just repeat all of school from first grade on.

Mom, Dad, sorry the public school system failed me. Or, that I failed it.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Project Runway Episode 2 Recap

I was concerned at the beginning of the episode because I couldn't remember anyone's names - except, of course, for Blayne, Stella, and Suede. As we got rolling I started to remember people, but I also started to remember that I was not really thrilled with any of these designers.

The challenge was making cocktail dresses for the models. "Very original," I thought. In fact, in my notes I wrote, Making a cocktail dress for a model! How exciting and original! Blah. Only if they're making cocktail dresses out of used condoms. But there was a Project Runway twist - the designers would have to use "green" fabrics, and the models would be doing the shopping.

As you would expect, the models were totally clueless about fabric shopping. You would think women who wear clothes for a living would have an idea, at least, of how much fabric to buy. Or what fabrics make good cocktail dresses. Or what colors look good together. Three models bought the same hideous brown satin (we will come back to this). When they got back to Parsons - surprise! - all the designers hated all the fabrics.

Stella's model wanted something flowy and sophisticated - something Rami would have designed last season. Stella has her own style, which she calls "very urban" (read: terrifying). She decided to design something in her own style. This, I thought, was a recipe for disaster. She would say later in the episode that she just wants to sew leather. If that's the case, why go on Project Runway, crazy leather sewer? Start a show called Project Leather. I don't care, just get freaking eliminated already.

Blayne referred to Heidi Klum as Darth Vader and said she was "Darthalicious."

Leanne called Suede out for talking in the third person: "Suede likes to talk in the third person. Leanne likes Suede, but Suede needs to stop talking in the third person." America's thoughts exactly, Leanne.

I loved Terri's dress. Her model came out second and I thought for sure she was going to win. I also loved Jennifer's, Kenley's and - this was a shock - Blayne's. The others were kind of blah for me, except for Suede's, which I thought belonged on a cracked out ballerina. In the weirdest twist of runway events for me, Suede's cracked out ballerina dress ended up winning, even though Kenley's super gorgeous, super elegant, couture cocktail dress clearly deserved to win and be sold on Bluefly.com and praised by Natalie Portman. I am still upset about this. Then Suede said, "Suede fucking rocked this," or something along those lines, and then H threw her TV out the window.

None of the brown satin dresses fared very well. Leanne has ADD and made about five dresses in one, and Joe's was boring - I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it because really, there is not a lot to love about ugly brown satin. The boring Wesley with his very ill-fitting brown satin dress got sent home, and the crying Kortu got to stay. I hope Kortu is not this season's Ricky (aka The Crier). We don't need a crier, especially since my Project Runway buddy is now pregnant and we can't play the Crying Game, where you drink every time Ricky, or in this case Kortu, cries.

Next week they're going on a field trip wearing rain ponchos.

I am warming to some of the designers' aesthetics, especially Kenley's, but not really loving anyone's personalities. I am still holding out hope that this will change.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


Today when I went to lunch I had a missed call and a voicemail from my dad. The missed call came at 10:49 a.m. which I thought was odd, since my dad knows I work 7:30 to 4 and my dad – and everyone else who has my phone number – knows I am even less likely to answer my cell phone when I am at work than I am the rest of the time. And I am not good at answering my phone during non-work hours. It’s not that I can’t find it or that I forget to turn the ringer up, it’s just that I hate talking to anyone on the phone who isn’t my boyfriend. Feel free to leave a voicemail if you want, but I probably won’t listen to it for 6.5 months. If you need me, text me. That’s how I roll.

Anyway, I listened to my dad’s voicemail, and he said, “Oh, I didn’t mean to call you. I was trying to call [farm equipment dealership, whose name is my first name] and I didn’t look close enough in my phone to see who I was calling.” It was not even 11 a.m. and he was working so he couldn’t even be drunk. Really it was an honest mistake, but I just thought it was funny. Hopefully he got more pens for me. Not because I really need them because I still have about 25 he sent me a few months ago, but because I like having them on hand so when people need to borrow a pen I can hand them one and say, “Better not try to steal it, I’ll know it’s mine!” Trust me, it’s really funny the first time.

The one where I love being a girl

Dear girlfriends I may have ever made fun of for having cramps,

All I have to say is: Karma is a bitch. I know this because she’s being a bitch in my uterus right now. Remember when we were in high school and you girls would stay home sick when you had bad cramps and I said, “That is total bullshit” because I never got cramps and just thought you were faking so you could stay home and watch soaps? Yeah – turns out you weren’t. I am a newbie to the cramp thing – they only started within the past three years or so – and am clearly paying for the things I said in the days I was fortunate enough not to get them. So to all the ladies I thought were making shit up, I apologize. I sympathize. Now can we go back to the good old days? Not the ones where we tight-rolled our jeans and crimped our hair (please God, never again) but the ones where I didn’t get cramps? Thank you.

Dear uterus,

I get it. You are teaching me a lesson. Lesson learned. Enough with the cramps already.

Sunday, July 20, 2008


At any American golf tournament, the very instant a player's putter makes contact with the ball there is some asshole (or multiple assholes) yelling "GET IN THE HOLE!" At any British tournament, it's dead silent until the putt either goes in or stops rolling, when the crowd either cheers or lets out a collective sigh.

I much prefer the polite Brits to the American golf crowd.

Friday, July 18, 2008

A day in the life

I'm off work today, just for the heck of it. And I've apparently missed blogging so much that I've decided to live blog my day. Yes, you heard right. I am live blogging my day off. I am that awesome.

Refresh often, read from the bottom up and enjoy!

- - - - - -

11:42 p.m. CDT - The cats are telling me it's time to go to bed, and I agree. Hope you enjoyed this live blogging experience!

11:30 p.m. CDT - I wonder if David Sedaris ever gets tired of reading his own stories aloud. I bet I would. I wonder when someone is going to ask me to go on a Live Blog Tour and have me read my blog posts aloud in front of adoring audiences.

11:15 p.m. CDT - I love this commercial:

11:04 p.m. CDT - Looks like Rosie Perez has had some work down. She still irritates the shit out of me. I am going to forget she is in Pineapple Express and still be excited to see it.

10:59 p.m. CDT - I was thinking about going to bed, but David Sedaris is going to be on Letterman - yay!

10:26 p.m. CDT - Still pissed about my phone.

10:00 p.m. CDT - I'm tempted to watch Bridget Jones' Diary again. Love that Mr. Darcy.

9:47 p.m. CDT - Still pissed off about my stupid phone.

9:28 p.m. CDT - Just dropped my phone and the bottom set of buttons now won't go back in. Awesome. And by awesome, I mean exactly the opposite.

8:28 p.m. CDT - Oh, sure NOW Bravo starts pushing Project Runway. They just informed me that Natalie Portman is going to be the guest judge on the next episode. Damn it, Bravo! You know I don't like to know these things before the show!

8:01 p.m. CDT - I love Bridget Jones' Diary. Why is it that this is the only movie in which I have ever liked Renee Zellweger? I think I like "fat" Renee. Emaciated Renee seems a little too full of herself. Gosh, I love Colin Firth. No, I still will not see Mamma Mia.

7:46 p.m. CDT - I may have picked the most boring day ever to live blog. Right now I'm playing Word Twist/watching the Twins game/listening to music. I might play Solitaire and maybe watch a movie. Rockin' Friday night.

7:07 p.m. CDT - The first really productive thing I've done all day: a long overdue post for Three Pints.

5:59 p.m. CDT - Just played my flute (for the first time in about six months) until my mouth started to hurt (about five minutes). Note to self: Don't make any plans to audition with the Minnesota Orchestra.

5:41 p.m. CDT - Doh! Mom got a bingo in a different game - 67 points for "tootsies."

5:38 p.m. CDT - B-I-N-G-O! Scored 67 points for "ransacks" in a Scrabulous game with my mom.

5:28 p.m. CDT - Broke down and got Applebee's carside to go, and now kind of feel like taking another nap.

Dear person whose car died in the left lane of a very busy street during rush hour,

Believe me, I know how much it sucks to have your car die in the middle of the road. Believe me. However, there is a thing called common human courtesy and it states that if your car dies, turn your hazard lights on. PLEASE. That way I know you're in distress and not just an idiot who doesn't know how to drive. I hope you can forgive me for yelling at you and calling you a "dumb effing R-word" and an "asstard" among other things I do not recall at this time. I hope you get your car fixed and it costs you less than $1,000. But next time, put on the double blinkers.

Thank you,

4:34 p.m. CDT - Ventured outside to get the mail. Got my pay stub, the 2008-2009 brochure for a theatre I've never heard of, and the new issue of Vogue. Kate Moss looks gorgeous on the cover, but I'm still not renewing my subscription. For real this time.

4:27 p.m. CDT - Seriously, the idea of Meryl Streep in sequined dresses, dancing around and singing really freaks me out. Pierce Brosnan can't make me want to see this movie. Even Colin Firth can't make me want to see this movie.

4:12 p.m. CDT - Having eaten lunch just after 11, I am starting to get hungry again, but realize if I eat now, I will be wanting another meal in about three hours. Dilemma.

3:55 p.m. CDT - Scrabulous, I was so close to getting a bingo, but you would have to give me an "I" I couldn't use, wouldn't you?

3:44 p.m. CDT - Can anyone identify my mystery plant? It is now more than six feet tall, has reached the top of my screen door and is threatening to keep me in my house forever, then eat me.

3:37 p.m. CDT - Shaun of the Dead is on. To think, I was going to turn on Dr. Phil.

3:30 p.m. CDT - If I were working today, I would still be there for another half hour.

3:28 p.m. CDT - In case you're wondering, Jason Sobel didn't answer my question today (it was lame). K.J. Choi is leading the Open Championship with a one-stroke lead over...Greg Norman. Greg "I Married Chris Evert" Norman. Greg "I Didn't Even Practice For This Tournament" Norman. Pretty exciting stuff, if you ask me.

3:27 p.m. CDT - So I slept a bit longer than 89 minutes. Sue me.

12:44 p.m. CDT - Just popped Office Space into the DVD player and am going to take a little nap. See you in 89 minutes!

12:15 p.m. CDT - If I was at work right now, my day would be only a little more than half over.

12:02 p.m. CDT - Well, my car safely made it the 3.3 miles from my friendly local mechanic's to my house, so I am going to officially say that today has been a success. With my tummy now full of Wisconsin mac and cheese, I am ready to tackle the tasks of the afternoon.

11:02 a.m. CDT - We're getting ready to leave to go have lunch at Noodles & Co. and pick up my car and the boyfriend says, "So, you wanna drive?" Ha.

10:50 a.m. CDT - So far, this has been the least productive day ever. Except for this blog post, which I'm sure is riveting millions as I type.

10:38 a.m. CDT - What is Matt Lauer doing on Will and Grace? Actually, I think this was the live episode, which might have been the stupidest idea ever. I'm switching to Gilmore Girls.

9:52 a.m. CDT - Just got the message that my car is done. I'm excited to have my car back, but not so excited to pay for it. Maybe I should leave it there over the weekend to teach it a lesson.

9:26 a.m. CDT - No, it looks terrible.

9:20 a.m. CDT - I take it back, Pierce Brosnan. Ow ow.

9:15 a.m. CDT - Am I the only one who thinks Mamma Mia looks terrible?

9:01 a.m. CDT - Regis and Kelly have a segment called Grilling With the Stars, and today's guests are Mario Lopez (that's A.C. Slater to you) and his mom. Kelly's dress is hideous and does anyone else think it's weird that she and Regis came out holding hands?

8:48 a.m. CDT - Jason Sobel is doing a little live blogging of his own over at ESPN, covering the Open Championship. I just sent him an e-mail, so I hope I make it in!

8:36 a.m. CDT - Have any pressing questions you need answered? Feel free to e-mail me at randommindlessramblings@gmail.com.

8:25 a.m. CDT - Attempts to go back to sleep were unsuccessful, so it's time to Find Out What's On Morning Daytime Television.

Muriel's Wedding is on Bravo! What a find on just the third channel I surfed. It's toward the end, though, so I'm going to keep on keepin' on.

On America's Test Kitchen they're making chicken skillet dinners. Boring much? I could probably even make those, and I'm domestically challenged.

Good Morning America is having a dog show on the red carpet.

So, I just found Divorce Court, and it's a special week - Divorce Idol Week. RuPaul's fat sister is on the stand dressed as Anna Nicole Smith and she apparently wants to be a famous rap star. I can't understand from watching this testimony why this man would want to divorce her! Oddly, he seems sane.

There's square dancing on public access. Too bad the boyfriend is still asleep and the cats don't seem interested in dancing.

I have finally settled on Zoboomafoo on the public television kids' channel. Come on, it's a cute show! And I love penguins. I want one to come hang out at my house today.

8:10 a.m. CDT - I'm going back to bed.

8:02 a.m. CDT - Rudely awakened by my ringing cell phone. Recognize the number as the mechanic's, so I answer. Turns out when the timing belt broke, it messed with some things it shouldn't have and in order to get my car running right I need to have a couple other things replaced. For $267.08. In addition to the already hefty total for fixing the timing belt. Bringing the grand total for the whole project to damn near what my paycheck is going to be today. Fantastic.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Project Runway Episode 1 Recap

Perez Hilton speculates that Bravo purposely didn’t market season five as a big F You to those responsible for the series’ jump to Lifetime – and Los Angeles – for season six. But I still managed to hear about it, find out that they moved it to 8 p.m. Wednesdays (much better for an early-to-bed gal such as myself) and in spite of last night’s car trauma, make it home for the start of the episode.

Having not had the impending season shoved down my throat for the past X number of weeks, I knew nothing going in about any of the contestants. Not a one. And as they were introduced to us, I didn’t immediately like any of them. The same thing happened to me last season and I ended up positively falling in love with Chris March, but there was no Santino (perhaps my favorite all-time favorite PR contestant), no Daniel Vosovic, no Michael Knight. In fact, I immediately disliked almost everyone, especially:

Blayne. Oh my God. I was so hoping that he would be kicked off last night, but alas, he’s sticking around. Remember how Christian Siriano said “that’s fierce” all the time, and how much it irritated people? Blayne says things are “_____licious” a hundred times more. Also, his model looked like she was wearing a diaper.

Stella. Holy scary, Batman. And did she really expect the judges to be impressed with her garbage bag dress? Didn't we already see that on Tilda Swinton at the Oscars?

And what is up with the guy with a blue Mohawk who calls himself Suede?

Anyway, last night they recreated the first ever Project Runway challenge, where the contestants had to create an outfit using only materials purchased from a Gristedes grocery store. And they brought Austin Scarlett - first ever PR challenge winner with a dress made entirely of corn husks - back as a guest judge! Yay Austin. He is fabulous.

I felt most of the designs were uninspired and uncreative - checkered tablecloth dress? Really? Shower curtain rain jacket? Groundbreaking. By the end of the episode I had kind of fallen in like with Daniel and his blue plastic cup dress, and I was disappointed that Kelli - who reminds me of last season's Kit, but annoying - won, even though I liked the bottom part of her dress.

I’m still not entirely hooked on this season, which makes me a little sad. Perhaps what's really sad is that I have invested so much in a television show over the past four seasons. But I didn’t see anything last night that really impressed me, whereas I had fallen in love with Santino by the end of episode one of season two, Uli, Michael and Kayne in season three and Rami, Chris and Christian in season four. Hopefully as the dead weight gets eliminated (please let that dead weight be Stella and Blayne, stat) this season’s contestants will start to grow on me as well.

Car-ma chameleon

Yesterday, Hannita discovered that her car had been stolen. Is that not the most terribly sucky thing? She is now a statistic in street crime, a testament to the awful truth that there are real assholes out there doing real asshole things all the time just for the hell of it.

My story is not nearly as sad, but it is true. I left happy hour last night, hopped in my car and headed for home. I had made it about two blocks and was turning a corner when my car died. This is not an uncommon occurrence; my car periodically dies while idling or while turning corners, and normally I just throw it in neutral, start it back up, put it back in drive and move on. But when it died yesterday, it died. There was no restarting it, and I had it towed to my friendly local mechanic, silently cursing myself for never signing up for AAA.

I got a call bright and early this morning from the mechanic, who had already diagnosed my problem: timing belt. I thanked him for the speedy response and told him to fix it (to the tune of not cheap, but could have been worse) and then pondered the great irony that is my life.

I am no stranger to timing belt issues. Two years ago, while driving to my home state for a friend’s wedding, my timing belt went out. Let me tell you there is nothing more awesome than sitting on the side of the interstate for three hours waiting for someone to rescue you and drive you the mere thirty minutes left to your destination. I had the timing belt fixed by my home mechanic only to have it go out again, thanks to a slack job, two weeks later (hence the story of how I came to know my friendly local mechanic). When my car died that second time, I was at a certain busy intersection where I drive quite frequently.

My car died last night just across the street at the same intersection.

I am never driving there again.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Miss me, Internet?

As it turns out, I missed blogging way too much. Sure, there was (and still is) Three Pints, but I missed writing about nothing. I missed putting down completely unfocused musings and publishing them for the entire world to read.

You may know me as the author of the now-defunct Random Mindless Ramblings. While I'm sure I will still not be discussing the keys to world peace or curing cancer, I wanted a fresh start. Thus, a fresh blog.

I am now an Anonymous Blogaholic.

I'm back.